It’s
been some time now that I’ve given having children some serious thought. My friends – those who have observed me
with other people’ kids - seem to think I’d make a good parent even if I myself
find it difficult to fathom the idea of spending my time driving to and from
school, sports, and dance lessons, rehearsals, and – spare me! – children’s
birthday parties. That being said,
the thought of parenthood has crossed my mind, and I’m probably making a bigger
deal out of it than I should. As
my friend Danny once told me, after all, no one is ready to be a parent until
it happens.
But,
what if my children turn out to be straight? Then what? I’m
assuming that there’s a great possibility that that could happen because of all
the genetics involved and such.
But, I know that I wouldn’t take their straightness lightly just because
it’s something to which I can’t or refuse to relate. I do, however, know that I would have to put aside my
opinions and my views regarding the straight world. To name but a few, there are four or five things I would
want to teach my special straight children if that is indeed the road on which life
takes them.
Lesson #1. Be different. How
do I tell my straight daughter that between 80 and 90 percent of the world will
be just like her? How am I to teach her that she is special in a world that is
so mind-blowingly average and mediocre? Let me be honest. I’ve seen the lackluster abilities of
many average people. I’ve taught
them. I’ve worked with them. I’ve lived with them. In a world where people are categorized
either as Leaders (those who bring
out the best in others) or Leaners (those
who are the followers or, I dare say, the burdens), too many people are the
latter. I don’t want that for my
child. I find it insulting to tell
my child-to-be not to stand out in a special way. I find it ludicrous to tell him to not make waves. How utterly boring! I can’t think of a
single successful or historic person who did not stand out. Mediocrity is unacceptable and yet,
being like 90 percent of the population, that might just be where my child
lands. There are so many ways that
my straight son or daughter could be different. Silly or fun socks is a favorite of mine. But, what about a
developed taste in music or art? A particular sense of humor? A token color in his clothing? A way of expressing what’s on his
mind? The possibilities are
endless!
Lesson #2: Explore! The world
is such a magnificently beautiful place.
There is awe in every corner of it, and yet most people take it for
granted as they live out “normal” lives filled with “normal” people, “normal”
activities, and “normal” food.
None of these concepts are real, because normalcy is so friggin’ subjective! So, to my child I say, “Go
out and explore the ‘world.’ Have
friends from every color of the rainbow, have sick friends as well as healthy
friends, have male friends as well as female, have masculine friends as well as
feminine, have straight friends even.
I swear I won’t be angry or upset.
And let these friends know you appreciate them each and every day. Don’t be afraid to hug them, to kiss
them, to hold their hand when they need support.” It’s so important that
each person learn to appreciate the varieties of physical, cultural, religious,
and artistic expression as well as all the differences encompassed in such a
world. These are what make the
planet such an interesting place, because I know that once my child is limited
to only one point of view, even if it’s mine, he’s faced with the uphill battle
that is an unexamined life filled with the ordinary.
Lesson #3: Think for yourself. I
can’t imagine letting my child feel he doesn’t have a right to his own feelings
or emotions. There is nothing
wrong with emotions. They’re neither
good nor bad, yet so many people treat them as if they possess moral value. They don’t. Emotions help us decipher the world around us. They help us understand our
relationships and our interactions.
They protect us and they guide us. They also show us what we truly are and what we truly think about
things. To let someone else decide
for me and tell me what to feel, whether it’s in romance or politics, for example,
is simply implying that I don’t have a right to those feelings. For those of us who have cried
ourselves to sleep because we don’t fit in or because we suppressed our
emotions while growing up, we know how painful and how resentful we can become
if we don’t take a step back and assume ownership of our emotions and our
views. In a world where so few
people think for themselves, I want my straight child to have strong opinions;
about everything. I want those
opinions to have been learned from experiences, and from my child’s own
observations. I want them to be
authentic. I want him to be
authentic.
Lesson #4: Don’t settle.
Chances are that my straight child will be tempted to settle. So many of those kinds of kids are
taught to do just that: to settle.
He will settle for a job that
pays him what the company thinks he’s worth. He will settle for
a life that throws itself at him as opposed to his controlling it as best he
can. He will settle with being with one more of the 9 out of 10 people who will
be average and limited, uncreative and unauthentic, as a romantic or life
partner. He will be tempted to
find a job as opposed to finding a career and doing what he loves. He will be tempted in so many ways to
just sit back and let life pass him by and never appreciate it for the gift it
is. As a straight kid living in a
mediocre and average world, chances are that his gay brother and sister will
have a much more expressive and culturally enriched life unless I step in or
unless he’s been blessed with adults – teachers and coaches, for example - who
help him broaden his horizons.
That’s going to be a hard battle for me to fight because the temptation
to settle is so strong and I can only imagine that it’s stronger for my special
child.
Lesson #5: Remember the Golden Rule. I
will never be able to prevent my child from being harassed or bullied, or
picked on, or upset 100% of the time.
In fact, that may not even be my job. It’s unrealistic.
I can, however, hope to teach him the Golden Rule; that he treat others as he’d like to be treated.
Throughout his life he will find himself uninvited to a party or in the
not-so-popular group. The more
homonormative kids will tease him for being a “plain Jane” and the more
artistic and expressive kids will simply disregard him. But, I live with the hope that if he
follows the simple precepts of the Golden Rule others will see the good in him
and approach him and accept him for who and what he is regardless of his
faults, his limitations, or his ordinariness.
These
are just some of my hopes for my child-to-be. My goal is simple: to not impose my views on him, but rather
to help him live as independent and as authentic a life as he could. If he happens to be a straight and most
ordinary kid, then he’s still my kid and I will love him for it. I refuse to make him my burden.
