Help Wanted: Millennials...Meh, Not So Sure

Over the past few years, we've all heard the woes over the flaws of the millennial generation (those commonly defined as reaching young adulthood at the turn of the 21st century) and their burden, quite admittedly, is a heavy one.  Millennials are often characterized as being lazy, narcissistic, sheltered by helicopter parents, and entitled.  They're accused of lacking respect for hierarchy, work, and earning one's way to the top.  The complaints are many and, in many ways, I'm relieved I'm not part of this generation.  Interestingly, though - at least among my friends - I'm one of the few top-end "generation Xers" who is constantly surrounded by millennials in life, at work, and in general.  Therefore, it'd be safe to ssume that I'm often bewildered by the millennial approach to life, to work, to relationships, and to money.  You'd be right.  Sometimes I'm completely astounded - even after so many years in the academic world - by those attitudes and aptitudes (or lack thereof) that even I identify with being part of this generation: the self-absorption, the disregard for others' work, the sense of entitlement, and the blaming of others for "life being so damn hard."

A few months ago, however, I was asked by a student whether my view on millennials matches those of the general population or if I'd consider hiring one.  The truth of the matter is that I didn't answer right away.  I couldn't answer right away even if I wanted to.  I know that millennials are more tech savvy and, therefore, probably a better fit in and around the digital ambiance of the office, the lecture hall, the lab, and the archive (at least when they're not taking selfies or looking at YouTube videos).  Yet, I still resisted to answer.  To be honest, part of the reason, might have been because deep down inside I knew that that there was no way I'd hire this particular student.  But, it did cause me to think about the greater question: what is it about the millennial question that takes me aback?

To tell the truth, I'm actually quite conflicted about these millennials.  Many of them have become friends and I work with some extraordinary younger people who are more adult or mature in their their thinking and in their views of the world than many of their older counterparts.  I've been blessed to meet amazing individuals who are far from narcissistic, self-absorbed, or sheltered.  I've met younger folks who are studious and bright, and quite a few of them possess that seemingly uncommon attribute among all generations, common sense.  But, the hesitation is still there.  I've mulled it over.  I've tried to understand my hesitation.  I've tried to mentally grasp the essence of this generation.  After all, I relate to much of it.  Most are digitally intelligent.  Many are far more concerned with finding meaning in their work than my own parents' generation.  Quite a few of them even know how to work less to get the same job done.  These are all things I admire and, to be frank, the world has been placed in the very palms of their hands by scientists, academics, and entrepreneurs.  It should be an easy fit, the world and them.

So, what exactly don't trust about them?  

It all started with a pharmacy student.  The individual with whom I was having a conversation was a pharmacy technologist who seemed to know his stuff.  Yet, he was flustered by the success of his superiors.  And with good reason.  The pharmacy students and residents with whom he worked were all "preparing" to take whatever accreditation exam is necessary for pharmacy school and they were all cheating off each other.  I heard stories about how they would share test questions, pictures of exams, copy each other's "homework" assignment and research, and turn in all of this as their own work.  It was rampant, this cheating.  When I told my friend that this was all wrong and that it was now impossible to trust one of the very professionals in whom I place my health he responded in the most typical of millennial ways: "It' not a big deal.  Everyone does it." 

WTF?

I couldn't believe this came out of his mouth and I therefore started to reprimand him for this type of thinking and to tell him that life is more than just trying to get ahead.  He just shrugged it off.  Again, in typical millennial fashion.  Since then, I've purposely observed my students a lot more closely and I've come to understand what it is I don't trust about millennials.  It's the pervasive culture of cheating that defines them for me. This, of course, does not mean that other generations and other subcultures haven't cheated.  There are examples of it in every generation and in every group, but I've never seen it as rampant  (ingrained might be a more appropriate word?) as I see it in the millennial generation and, even more so, in the one that sits in front of me in my lecture rooms.  For many of them, "everyone else does it" is just as good a response as anything else.  

Thus...if you're willing to cheat your way through exams; if you're willing to lend your "work" to others; if you're willing to take the easy way out and not put in the required work that success necessitates; if you're willing to copy and paste your way through your research, etc...then you are the problem.  You are the reason so many people mistrust millennials.  So, here's my response to that student with the "would you hire us?" question.  The one and only reason I don't instinctively trust millennials and the one and only reason I wouldn't necessarily hire one is that I could not be completely and absolutely sure the millennial actually knows his/her stuff.  I have no guarantee they've absorbed the material, the knowledge, the application required to get the job done.  Sure, they can use a computer and sure, they can use the Internet.  I have no problem with that.  But, I have so many millennial students who are clueless when it comes to applying knowledge to solve current issues...regardless of discipline.  They fail to see the bigger picture not because they haven't been taught it.  They fail to see the big picture because they've been so ridiculously busy taking the easy way out of life that life passes right over them.  The effort and the zeal required to appreciate life does not come from copying off a friend's paper or by taking the short cut.  It comes from the academic, professional, emotional, and spiritual sweat (and the mistakes that come of it) that is result of owning one's life.  Until you can show me that you've done this, then of course I won't hire you. 

Want to change this? Then, do what so many others have done to own their lives.  Prove you know your stuff and don't just rely on googling it.  Prove you have the gumption to do the work required to be the expert you so desperately want to be considered.  Stop YouTubing stupid singing parrot videos and read a book...not just as a requirement, but to understand the human condition and to be able to read between the lines.  Analyze - really think about - a film, a story, an article, a political view.  Read people's emotions.  Know and appreciate what others do for a living and what it took for them to get there. Be aware of the cultures around you and stop taking everything so damn personally.  Millennials have so many good characteristics and are the generation to date most blessed with technology and other advances.  Use that for something other than your own singular entertainment.  The world is so much bigger than you and the obliviousness that comes as a result of the distance between you having an opened mind and the songs you've downloaded into your smartphone.  Realize that everyone suffers, and that the importance is in how you respond to that suffering. Finally, stop taking the easy way out of things, because in the end the person being cheated is YOU...and, quite frankly, life doesn't get any easier as you age.  It's quite the opposite.  #RantOver 

Shocking Yourself into 2016

As I sit to think about and write this blog post, I can’t help but have in mind the countless social media postings, memes, lists, and reflections that I’m about to see on my friends’ pages.  I will get a chance to see their “Years in Review,” their “Friends’ Favorite Pictures of them,” and perhaps more than a few words about how good or lousy 2015 was to them.  That’s all fine and good because often the end of a year simply causes us to reflect on our most recent pasts and our quickly approaching futures.  The end of a number – because, after all, what else is a year but an invented number in the endlessness of universal time? – immediately causes us to think linearly and to see the results of cause-and-effect, and get us to think about what we did right or what we did wrong. 

              What I think would be much more helpful for all of us is to think of the next week and a half as a time for reflection.  I don’t mean the simple thinking about what we could have done better.  I mean the profound contemplative reflection that only a true act of introspection can bring. Introspection is not something one does in a minute or even an hour.  It is a process, sometimes painstakingly real, and it is a process that too many people have no idea how to face.  What I propose is simple, think about the past year in terms of lessons learned and connections made (or broken).  As Sandy, an exemplary young woman most recently realized, sometimes the best and most important lessons are those born out of experiences that shock us into thought and into self-evaluation. Don’t be afraid to be shocked into thinking about things greater than yourself and about the material world around you. Don’t resist the call to evaluate yourself and your role in the universe.  After all, is there anything more important than the realization that you are part – a cog perhaps – in what is the great machine we call life?  Let this be the opportunity in which you do that for yourself and for the people around you.

              So, how to think about the past twelve months? The reality of 2015 is this.  It was a year in which you learned how to love yourself just a little bit more. The year taught you a little more about what you like and what you don’t like, about what you can tolerate and what you won’t, about what your dreams should be and what they no longer are.  It is a time to raise that glass to everyone you knew throughout the year simply because each one of them – even the haters – taught you a little more about yourself, and it is that little bit that might just be enough to get you through this arduous journey called life, however long that might be.  Each one of those persons has contributed to the person you are today. Each one has caused you to react, to respond, to care, to experience emotion, to relate, to socialize, and to live.  Each one, existentially speaking, lives in you whether you wish it to be true or not.

               Look, then, at the year that’s about to end differently.  In 2015 you learned who your real friends are.  You learned who loves you for who you are and not for what you can do for them.  You learned that each breath you take leads to an action, a thought, a word that you can never take back.  You learned that you’re paying today for the decisions you made yesterday.  You learned that tomorrow’s decision has to be based on your experiences.  You learned that you’re capable of surviving what you most feared this past year.  You learned that you’re stronger than you thought.  You learned to prioritize yourself and your life just a little more.  You learned that the world does not end just because you lost a love.  You learned that you are who you are regardless of what life throws at you and, at the end of the day, no one can take that away.  That is exactly what your gift to the world is:  you…and the talents, the dreams, the motives you bring with you.  Hopefully, these are what will make the world a better place tomorrow than when you go to sleep tonight.  For 2016, utilize and manipulate these shock experiences to get you to be the solution you so desperately want to see in the world.  You have exactly 365 days in which to do it.  What will your small contribution be?  What lesson are you going to make real for the rest of us to witness?  In the end, it’s your call.  Make 2016 yours.

Its Coming For You!: Karma

I’m not a superstitious man. 

            O.K., I’m not often a superstitious man.  Occasionally I’ll wear a pair of lucky socks or perform a small ritual before a seminar or competition.  Experience, however, has taught me a few things that I didn’t necessarily believe when I was 21, 31, or even 41.  The concept of Karma, for example, is one of them.  Karma.  Now, there’s a good lesson!

            The ideas of every major thinker and religious teacher- Jesus, Mohammed, Moses, Gandhi, Buddha – can be summed up in one word: respect.  I honestly don’t think this is a coincidence.  Instead, I believe it boils down to a very basic and intrinsic truth about being human: that the universe works as one, and that all things affect all others.  Thus, Judaism’s Commandments, Christianity’s Golden Rule, Islam’s Five Pillars, or Buddhism’s Noble Truths have all taught us exactly the same thing:  be good to others and treat them as you’d like to be treated.  So, what should this mean for me as an individual?  What does it mean for us as a species?

            There is one thing I’ve come to appreciate about life over the last few decades and that is that what goes around comes around.  And, it usually comes full force.  In fact, the older I get, the more I see it in action, and everyone – in one way or another – gets his comeuppance for the way he or she has treated others.  I don’t care whom you see getting away with things or if you believe that “it’s ok if you’re not caught.”  I believe the universe (call it God, if you like) has a basic law in which all things are connected and must work together to create harmony.  It’s the reason for why we become disgusted by the ways we see people being tortured, or discriminated against, or executed, or bullied.  There is an innate abhorrence or hatred to those actions that we don’t consider human. C.S. Lewis (yes! that C.S. Lewis), the author of Mere Christianity and an Anglican-become-atheist-become-Catholic, argues that we human beings are burdened (one might say blessed) with an instinct to feel guilty when we don’t do the things we believe are the right thing to do. Why didn’t I help the old woman across the street?  Why didn’t I give the homeless man the dollar?  The possibilities for guilt are endless, yet they’re there and they don’t go away except through desensitization and apathy.  We have to lose part of our humanity in order to escape the pressures of that instinct.

            Treating others as we want to be treated is such a simple thing.  Yet, we all too often get caught up in the ridiculously petty and inconsequential “crap” of our lives.  We get offended by the woman who cut us off on the highway, or by the guy who didn’t rack the weights properly, or by the child who doesn’t seem to stop fidgeting in the seat behind us.  I’m not saying I’m not guilty of any of this, but sometimes it’s just better to count to 10 (or 100!) and breathe before we act or say something we regret.  The way we want to be treated, with respect and dignity, is something that everyone deserves and, assuming they haven’t done anything grotesque to lose that right to respect, ought to receive wholeheartedly.  After all, we don’t ever really know what’s going on in someone’s life or mind.  They could be having a really, really bad day.

            I often tell my students to be proactive and to be the one good thing in someone’s day.  “Be the first to say good morning.”  “Be the one to hold a door open regardless of the other’s gender.”  “Do good just because.”  As a psychotherapist and as a human being, I am often upset by people who walk past me and don’t respond to my “good morning.”  It’s something I just don’t understand, yet I continue to wish them a good morning each and every time I see them.  I hold the door open for them even if they don’t thank me (which surprisingly happens quite often).  I refuse to let them be the cause of a bad day, because deep down I know that my reactions and the way I respond to the people around me contribute to my overall sense of self and well-being.  The more good I do, the more positive I am.  The more of a listener I am for someone who simply needs to vent helps center me in a way that I don’t think many people consider.  It boosts my self-esteem.  It makes me more confident.  And, it makes me grow as a nobly good person despite my many imperfections.  It makes me feel as if I’m trying. 

            Karma does come around, and it very often comes in unsuspected ways.  I don’t want to be on the receiving end when Karma decides to go on a break or when it “decides” that someone “has to pay.”  So, in order to simplify my life, and to just be in harmony with the things around me, I do what I can to be the best part of someone’s day.  It’s all I have to offer sometimes, and perhaps one day I might need someone to be the best part of my day.  I can only hope that that someone thinks this is something small they can do.

            So…for this holiday season – whatever it is on this Earth you celebrate – try doing some good.  Make this a more gentle world.  Leave it tomorrow just slightly better than it was yesterday.  You might be the very reason why someone decides to keep on trying, to keep on keeping on, to keep on living.  Don’t let Karma bite you in the ass because one day – sooner or later – it will.  This I’ve learned.

If I Had Straight Children

            It’s been some time now that I’ve given having children some serious thought.  My friends – those who have observed me with other people’ kids - seem to think I’d make a good parent even if I myself find it difficult to fathom the idea of spending my time driving to and from school, sports, and dance lessons, rehearsals, and – spare me! – children’s birthday parties.  That being said, the thought of parenthood has crossed my mind, and I’m probably making a bigger deal out of it than I should.  As my friend Danny once told me, after all, no one is ready to be a parent until it happens. 

            But, what if my children turn out to be straight?  Then what?  I’m assuming that there’s a great possibility that that could happen because of all the genetics involved and such.  But, I know that I wouldn’t take their straightness lightly just because it’s something to which I can’t or refuse to relate.  I do, however, know that I would have to put aside my opinions and my views regarding the straight world.  To name but a few, there are four or five things I would want to teach my special straight children if that is indeed the road on which life takes them. 

            Lesson #1. Be different.  How do I tell my straight daughter that between 80 and 90 percent of the world will be just like her? How am I to teach her that she is special in a world that is so mind-blowingly average and mediocre? Let me be honest.  I’ve seen the lackluster abilities of many average people.  I’ve taught them.  I’ve worked with them.  I’ve lived with them.  In a world where people are categorized either as Leaders (those who bring out the best in others) or Leaners (those who are the followers or, I dare say, the burdens), too many people are the latter.  I don’t want that for my child.  I find it insulting to tell my child-to-be not to stand out in a special way.  I find it ludicrous to tell him to not make waves.  How utterly boring! I can’t think of a single successful or historic person who did not stand out.  Mediocrity is unacceptable and yet, being like 90 percent of the population, that might just be where my child lands.  There are so many ways that my straight son or daughter could be different.  Silly or fun socks is a favorite of mine. But, what about a developed taste in music or art? A particular sense of humor?  A token color in his clothing?  A way of expressing what’s on his mind?  The possibilities are endless!

            Lesson #2: Explore!  The world is such a magnificently beautiful place.  There is awe in every corner of it, and yet most people take it for granted as they live out “normal” lives filled with “normal” people, “normal” activities, and “normal” food.  None of these concepts are real, because normalcy is so friggin’ subjective!  So, to my child I say, “Go out and explore the ‘world.’  Have friends from every color of the rainbow, have sick friends as well as healthy friends, have male friends as well as female, have masculine friends as well as feminine, have straight friends even.  I swear I won’t be angry or upset.  And let these friends know you appreciate them each and every day.  Don’t be afraid to hug them, to kiss them, to hold their hand when they need support.” It’s so important that each person learn to appreciate the varieties of physical, cultural, religious, and artistic expression as well as all the differences encompassed in such a world.  These are what make the planet such an interesting place, because I know that once my child is limited to only one point of view, even if it’s mine, he’s faced with the uphill battle that is an unexamined life filled with the ordinary.

            Lesson #3: Think for yourself.  I can’t imagine letting my child feel he doesn’t have a right to his own feelings or emotions.  There is nothing wrong with emotions.  They’re neither good nor bad, yet so many people treat them as if they possess moral value.  They don’t.  Emotions help us decipher the world around us.  They help us understand our relationships and our interactions.  They protect us and they guide us.  They also show us what we truly are and what we truly think about things.  To let someone else decide for me and tell me what to feel, whether it’s in romance or politics, for example, is simply implying that I don’t have a right to those feelings.  For those of us who have cried ourselves to sleep because we don’t fit in or because we suppressed our emotions while growing up, we know how painful and how resentful we can become if we don’t take a step back and assume ownership of our emotions and our views.  In a world where so few people think for themselves, I want my straight child to have strong opinions; about everything.  I want those opinions to have been learned from experiences, and from my child’s own observations.  I want them to be authentic.  I want him to be authentic.

            Lesson #4: Don’t settle.  Chances are that my straight child will be tempted to settle.  So many of those kinds of kids are taught to do just that: to settle.  He will settle for a job that pays him what the company thinks he’s worth.  He will settle for a life that throws itself at him as opposed to his controlling it as best he can.  He will settle with being with one more of the 9 out of 10 people who will be average and limited, uncreative and unauthentic, as a romantic or life partner.  He will be tempted to find a job as opposed to finding a career and doing what he loves.  He will be tempted in so many ways to just sit back and let life pass him by and never appreciate it for the gift it is.  As a straight kid living in a mediocre and average world, chances are that his gay brother and sister will have a much more expressive and culturally enriched life unless I step in or unless he’s been blessed with adults – teachers and coaches, for example - who help him broaden his horizons.  That’s going to be a hard battle for me to fight because the temptation to settle is so strong and I can only imagine that it’s stronger for my special child.

            Lesson #5: Remember the Golden Rule.  I will never be able to prevent my child from being harassed or bullied, or picked on, or upset 100% of the time.  In fact, that may not even be my job.  It’s unrealistic.  I can, however, hope to teach him the Golden Rule; that he treat others as he’d like to be treated. Throughout his life he will find himself uninvited to a party or in the not-so-popular group.  The more homonormative kids will tease him for being a “plain Jane” and the more artistic and expressive kids will simply disregard him.  But, I live with the hope that if he follows the simple precepts of the Golden Rule others will see the good in him and approach him and accept him for who and what he is regardless of his faults, his limitations, or his ordinariness.

            These are just some of my hopes for my child-to-be.  My goal is simple: to not impose my views on him, but rather to help him live as independent and as authentic a life as he could.  If he happens to be a straight and most ordinary kid, then he’s still my kid and I will love him for it.  I refuse to make him my burden.

First Musings on Satire

            Over the last several months there’s been much commotion over the idea of parody or satire and their connection to western views on the freedom of speech.  I could easily discuss the events surrounding the satirical Charlie Hebdo, Hollywood’s The Interview, and John Oliver’s take on Ecuador’s Rafael Correa, for example.  I don’t normally have a problem with people saying what they believe.  After all, I was raised in America and I am very much a believer in the principles that underlie the Bill of Rights and our Constitution while also acknowledging their imperfections.  I accept the belief that we have an inalienable right to say what we want, to assemble, and to protest.  What I’m having trouble with, however, is understanding the role of satire in a society where I am encountering increasingly more ignorant people who can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s false because they simply aren’t familiar with the world around them.

            Among politically, historically or culturally aware audiences, I believe that satire can work quite well.  These readers or viewers can grasp the nuances of the humor involved or see the obvious contradictions in the fabricated stories being passed off as real in sources such as The Onion.  But, in the digital age of the 21^st century and at a time when people read fewer books and articles and more news blurbs and unfettered internet postings I am starting to see the dangers of putting satire out in the world for everyone to read.  I’ve had people tell me about how Pope Benedict has come out of the closet.  I’ve read articles that claim that Busch Gardens has built a 9,600-mile long roller coaster.  I’ve had colleagues tell me that California was purchased by Japan.  And, I’ve had friends talk about how Kanye West interrupted the Grammys yet again (oh wait, that one’s real?).  These all have the potential to be funny.  But, for whom?

            The problem with satire or parody is two-fold as far as I see it.  First, I try to live by the maxim “if you have nothing good to say, then don’t say anything.”  I really don’t see how poking fun at someone’s religious beliefs or trying to trivialize their “sacred cows” does anyone any good.  I am not talking about the things people do.  What I refer to is the dogma and belief systems on which people depend to live out their lives as best they can as good people.  It would never cross my mind to make fun of someone’s genuine idea of salvation even if I think it odd.  I wouldn’t urinate on a cross in front of a Christian.  Nor, would I kill a cow in the presence of a Hindu.  Maybe, it’s me, but I think they deserve that respect.  It’s my acknowledgment of their spiritual essence as people, as human beings, as beings with souls.  The academic in me, however, is willing to inquire about those beliefs and is willing to understand them.  After all, I probably believe in a few things that are very odd to others. 

            Second, I actually like some of the articles in Charlie Hebdo or The Onion, but I tend to know and understand what is real and what isn’t.  I don’t necessarily respect Bill Maher’s sense of humor, though I believe he has a right to say what he wants.  And therein lies my predicament.  When a satirist, however, rights a story that is supposed to read as parody, how many people can honestly see it as just satire? People aren’t as news savvy as we think.  People are gullible and they seem to want to believe anything that’s told to them, especially if it’s negative.  This is where the danger lies.  It creates false beliefs and often gives people hope where there is none.  In the case of religion, it causes people to be unsure about their own beliefs or practices.  In the case of politics, it can intensify prejudices or incite riots.  These are just some problems I can think of off the cuff, but all equally detestable I think.

            So, how do we balance the right to free speech with the right to dignity and respect?   In short, how do we prevent the bullying of people’s ideas and beliefs in a world where we are taught to treat others with respect?  I don’t know.  I honestly don’t.  Is it a matter of simple behavioral changes?  Does it require cultural sensitivity training?  Is it as easy as following our instincts to do right, to quote C.S. Lewis once again?  I acknowledge the right that you have to say what you want about me, but I also acknowledge that I can’t take it personally (especially if I’m in the public arena) in the way that President Correa reacted to Oliver’s comments. At what point should my right to say what I believe interfere with your right to live your life peacefully and non-judgmentally?  People are going to say what they’re going to say., but how I react to it is a different story and, I believe, has been a basic issue in all human communities across time.

Casting Out Emotional Vampires

“Time to Do Me: Dealing with the Emotional Vampires in Your Life”

            Over the last few years I’ve noticed many people being dragged down by their friends.  Actually, it’s something I’ve always seen, but it’s only recently that I’ve become more conscious of how active I am in doing something about that in my own life.  “I’m allergic to drama!”  How often do you hear people say that?  Yet, when you observe them closely you realize that they’re often surrounded by drama and by the people they say they want to avoid so badly.  In fact, they seem to attract drama wherever they go.  They surround themselves with friends who are emotionally and mentally draining.  So draining, in fact, that a term now exists that describes them perfectly: emotional vampires. 

            Very often I’m asked, “How do I get rid of these emotional vampires?” That’s both a simple and a difficult question to answer.  Especially if the emotional vampires in your life, the people who most negatively consume your time and energy, are family members and people you love.  The reality though, is you have to detach.  Somehow, you have to assume responsibility for your own life and for the happiness (or lack thereof) that will define it.  This is not so easy, but it does require a significant decision to take care of yourself first so that you can, in the long run, be everything you need to be for others and take care of others as you’d like.  Allow me to suggest some steps.

            First, you must realize that you are the most important person in your life.  I know this sounds selfish and irresponsible.  But, the truth of the matter is that you won’t be able to take care of those you love unless you have taken care of yourself first.  What good is giving up your health or your job or your schooling because mom needs what little income you can bring into the home, if you will both be in the same spot in the future because you’ve put everything aside for her?  If she is really concerned for your future, then she will know that you need to carry on and “do you” for you to be where you both need you to be.  I know there are setbacks and obstacles that might get in the way, but the goal here is to understand that you are “Priority Number 1” and that no one else is responsible for your life.  This same attitude – and it’s this attitude that is important -- has to be applied to many aspects of your life.  Otherwise, you will get sidetracked and not meet your goals.   This does not mean you don’t lend a helping hand.  It means you find a balance between what’s going to get you from point A to point B and the needs (or wants) of others.

            Second, you figure out what your limitations are.  We all like to consider ourselves good at things, but how often have you sat down and honestly reflected on your limitations, those things that you simply can’t do? Do you try to be all things to all people?  Do you have a savior complex?  Do you have a need to save others?  Let’s face it; we’ve all met people like that.  Some of us might even have dated someone who thought his or her job was to save us.  But, you can’t save people who don’t want to be saved and it’s not your job to save them.  It’s impossible to be good at everything. Once you realize that you are limited, just like everyone else in the world, then will you realize that people must learn to be responsible for their own lives and be dependent on no one else but themselves.  This is an incredibly liberating feeling and frees you of much of the mental burden that comes with responsibility to others.  In other words, you have to simply let go.

            Third, imitate the people you’d like to become.  Have you ever noticed how the people you most respect can deal with all sorts of issues and yet still take care of themselves?  They seem to have a purpose and a vision for their lives.  In fact, they seem to have everything under control.  Take a look at what they do and whom they allow into their lives.  You will see that these people you respect do things thoughtfully and with intent.  They purposely seek out opportunities that will make them better and they never stop seeking these opportunities.  They ask questions such as, “How will this improve my life?”  They don’t simply take risks.  They take calculated risks and do so knowing fully that they are the only ones responsible for whatever consequences come of these risks.  But, you will also notice that these people you admire act, dress, speak, think in a particular way.  In fact, it’s what you admire the most about them.  Do not be afraid to imitate them.  At first, you will feel like you’re simply acting and copying.  Eventually, however, you will assimilate their habits into your own life and add your own flavor.  Be who you want to become.

            Fourth, start thinking about your mission in the world.  I’ve always been taught I was placed on this Earth for a reason.  I believe that about everyone.  Face it.  The reason you’re even reading this article is because you are seeking something greater than yourself right now.  Start thinking about the legacy you will leave behind when you’re time is done.  Have you made an impact on others?  Will you have left the world a better place because you were in it?  If you do this, you will automatically place those emotional vampires we introduced earlier into the background.  They will no longer have the roles they had in your life and you will realize that you’ve expelled them from you life, if not actually, then at least metaphorically. 

            In the long run, only one person is responsible for your life:  You.  You will be on this planet for a limited amount of time and what you do with your life is an essential question.  You can either choose to surround yourself with the negativity of others (emotional vampirism) and not live fully, or you can choose to live your life knowing (and enjoying) that everything you have is a result of your intentions and your actions.  In other words, live fully a life worth living and do it with the knowledge that you can now lead others to be better people themselves.  Try to become the person that others want to be.

From Ashes to Ashes

From Ashes to Ashes… a reposting

Over the last few months, I’ve noticed an interesting rise in the number of religious questions that I get from my students.  And…if they don’t have questions, the curiosity which befalls them when we necessarily discuss Church history in the European context has also been on the rise.  Perhaps it has much to do with the new direction that the current head of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis, seems to be taking, but somehow I doubt it’s only that.  And then today, Ash Wednesday 2014, I’d received two questions about the day and its purpose before noon and, mind you, I’m on Spring Break!
For those of you who are not Catholic, it might help you to understand that the reception of ashes on one’s forehead serves a number of purposes, none of which I will pretend to place in order of importance.  First, the ashes are a simple reminder that eventually we all turn back into ash through the inescapable reality of death.  In other words, our actions, our memories, our thoughts, and our bodies all leave this Earth for good (assuming that you don’t believe  - as I do - that we are part of a greater universal energy that does not simply cease to exist with our last breaths). Physically speaking, we return to a never ending cycle of nature in which we become the ashes upon which other life is built.  This is perhaps the hardest reality to face, especially if you’re brought up Hispanic and have been taught to never discuss or, God forbid, prepare for death ahead of your time.
Second, I believe that the ashes on the forehead call the receiver to declare his faith outwardly, the very essence of religious symbolism.  In other words, do not be ashamed of that in which you believe.  Be a conscious member of the community to which you proclaim to belong. Know what your community teaches and be cognizant of the tenets of your religious or secular community.  Now, it might be a bit ironic to hear this from me since it’s been years since I’ve had ashes placed on my forehead, but I cannot not acknowledge the importance of the act for those who believe in the Christian faith.  The ashes are a reminder that we, as human beings, are called to something greater than ourselves.  We are, in the end, called to be better than we are today and, hopefully, less than what we will be tomorrow…and somehow or another this always leads me back to the question of legacy (which I will get to at some later point).

Finally, and most certainly not in the slightest sense least, the ashes serve a greater function than that of reminder or of identification.  They call us to our real mission(s) on this Earth, i.e., to leave it a tad bit better off than when we found it.  And this is what led me to want to write this blog post today.  I received a group text from a friend this morning who laid out a simple question: "So, what are you giving up for Lent?"  I’m not sure if anyone else in the group responded, or maybe they did and I was not included, but as far as I know no one else sent a text.  I, however, as has often been the case when I find a question that causes me to think about the greater things in life, felt compelled to respond with something I’ve always believed: "Why must Lent be about giving something up?"
Back in the seminary, a very long time ago, I remember the Lenten emphasis being on acts of commission, not omission.  I remember being encouraged to do something, not to give up something.  We were encouraged to go the extra mile in helping others; to put in an extra hour of prayer; to contribute more to the society around us as in a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen, for example.  And, this always made perfect sense to me.  The way I see it, Lent — whether one is Christian or not — is a perfect time in which to let our humanity show and to let the ideas of all the great teachers (Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, Mohammed, etc) show themselves to be the products of exactly what, as C. S. Lewis writes,  these men were: Great Teachers.  Lent does not have to be simply about sacrificing something for 40 days.  It is much more than that. It is about the basic ideas that these great men of history have taught as human beings.

And this brings me to my main point: the idea of sacrifice.  O.K., so in college I once tried to give up sarcasm for Lent.  Needless to say, I lasted perhaps a day and lost it while in Sr. Jean Flanelly’s Psychology class when I said something sarcastic out loud.  But, that’s not what Lent is about.  What good is giving up sarcasm, soda (Pepsi and the like), or candy when doing so actually is to our social, physical or medical benefit?  What good is giving up bread when, in reality, it’s something we should all be doing?  How do these things (bread, soda, candy, alcohol, etc) benefit society when we give them up?  In my view, they don’t, and therefore aren’t really sacrifices.  Now, time is another matter.  And in today’s Catholic Church (and others, by the way), the greatest gift one can give his or her community is the gift of time and talent.  And here comes my challenge.
Rather than try to figure out what you’re going to give up, try to think of ways by which you can make this world a better place.  Going to the gym for 40 days straight will only help you!  Giving up alcohol will only clean you out.  But, try to commit this period of Lenten sacrifice to one of time.  Help out a neighbor who could use some help with groceries.  Serve lunch at the local soup kitchen.  Take some sandwiches to the firehouse.  I don’t know:  there are so many possibilities.  But, whatever you choose, I think your Jesus, your Mohammed, or your Buddha would be a very happy soul knowing that somewhere in some place there is a person willing to make a difference and to change someone’s world for the better.  Don’t let them down.